


Happy Families

by Tammaiya



Category: X/1999
Genre: Crack, M/M, Sakurazuka Seishirou's A+ Parenting, Seishirou as Kamui's biological father, Seishirou's idea of parenting, Seishirou's parenting ideas probably came from watching TV, how did FUUMA get roped into this, how did Subaru get roped into this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-12-25
Updated: 2004-12-25
Packaged: 2018-08-11 09:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7885186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tammaiya/pseuds/Tammaiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seishirou finds out that Kamui is his son. Apparently, he has certain ideas about families.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Happy Families

Subaru wasn't the only Seal awake when the doorbell rang, but he _was_ the only Seal both awake and in the house-- they had run out of breakfast ingredients, so Sorata and Yuzuriha had gone to the shops.  
  
It was therefore perfectly logical that he was the one to answer the door, much as he'd prefer not to. However, it was not perfectly logical that he opened the door to find Seishirou.  
  
"Morning, Subaru-kun! Is your _Kamui_ awake yet? I have something I need to discuss with him."  
  
Subaru stared. Subaru blinked. And then, because he'd decided that he obviously hadn't had enough sleep after all if he was seeing hallucinations, Subaru calmly shut the door and went back to bed.  
  
Meanwhile, Seishirou very patiently went for a walk, had a cup of coffee and a cigarette at a coffee shop, and came back to ring the doorbell again.  
  
This time, having returned from the shops, Sorata answered the door. (He had, on a side-note, been very confused to find that Subaru by all appearances gone back to bed. It wasn't a very Subaru thing to do, especially given he never slept that much in the first place.)  
  
"S-S-Sakurazukamori!"  
  
Well, at least the Kansai monk was showing a little recognition. Though he wouldn't admit it, Seishirou had felt rather miffed when Subaru hadn't even said a word; he'd almost wondered if he'd inadvertently been caught in one of his own illusions.  
  
"I'm here to talk to Kamui-kun," Seishirou said cheerfully.  
  
"What?" Sorata exclaimed. "No way! You're probably here to torture him, or, or--" Something horrible occurred to him as he remembered what little he knew about Subaru's past. Suspiciously, he narrowed his eyes. "You know, there's a _word_ for people like you."  
  
Seishirou was, for once, genuinely confused by this. "Angel?" he suggested.  
  
"Paedophile!"  
  
Seishirou considered this seriously before chuckling, as it was very reminiscent of Hokuto. "Maybe," he agreed, as there was a rather undeniable ring of truth to that when it came to Subaru. "But that's not why I need to see Kamui-kun. Now, are you going to get him for me, or do I have to be generally threatening?"  
  
"Sorata-san, who's at the door?" Kamui asked sleepily, neatly taking the decision out of Sorata's hands.  
  
"Ah, just the person I was looking for."  
  
"The Sakurazukamori?" Kamui squeaked. "What's he doing here? You'd better not be here to hurt Subaru!"  
  
"Did you just completely ignore what I said?" Seishirou asked, purely for interest's sake. "No, for once, I am not here for Subaru-kun. I am here for you. So if you'd kindly pack your stuff, we're going."  
  
Blank looks from both Kamui and Sorata.   
  
"Why should I go with you?" Kamui asked eventually.  
  
"Yeah!" Sorata said, stepping in front of Kamui protectively. "He's not going anywhere with you, Angel!"  
  
"I think you'll find that you're mistaken," Seishirou said smoothly. "Given that he is now in my legal custody."  
  
"What?" Kamui stared at him, adorably lost. "But… since when? This is the stupidest lie I've ever heard!"  
  
"Since your mother died, presumably." Seishirou shrugged eloquently. "Being a minor, you have to remain in the care of a parent or legal guardian. Namely me."  
  
"So what makes you his legal guardian?" Sorata demanded. "With a household filled with adults, we're perfectly able to look after him!"  
  
"I'm sure you are. However, that doesn't change the fact that I'm his father, and since I haven't signed over any parenting rights, you keeping him in your custody is illegal."  
  
Seishirou was clearly enjoying this far too much. Kamui had completely glazed over, mind going into meltdown stage at the idea that he not only had a living father, but this father was the Sakurazukamori. Sorata was struck utterly speechless, which was a first.  
  
"So if you'll excuse me, my son and I are going to be leaving now. Tell Subaru-kun that I said hello, and if someone could give Kamui a hand with his things?"  
  
"Wait a second," Sorata argued, composure somewhat regained. "You're on opposite sides of the Apocalypse! How do we know you won't just kill him?"  
  
Kamui made a frightened 'eep!' noise.  
  
"He's my son, why would I kill him?"  
  
The fact that he'd killed his mother was _entirely_ beside the point.  
  
"Look," Sorata continued, "let's just say for a moment that I trust you as far as I can throw you. Which I don't, by the way. What about the other Angels? I can't see your _Kamui_ making any promises. And how the hell are we meant to do anything with our leader in the tender loving care of a Dragon of _Earth_?"  
  
"My _Kamui_ is smart enough to know what's good for him. As for the second part… am I supposed to care?" Seishirou asked politely. "I'm sorry, I hadn't realised. You'll just have to figure it out for yourselves. Burn that bridge when you reach it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to wait in the car, and if Kamui takes too long, I am going to come back and possibly be less friendly. Understood?"  
  
"Aw, crap," Sorata muttered, and dragged Kamui away to pack.  
  
~  
  
"Have you seen Kamui?" Subaru asked as he accepted a bowl of rice from Sorata.  
  
"Well…" Sorata hesitated, not quite sure how exactly one was meant to break this kind of news to someone so implicitly involved as the Sumeragi. "He's kind of… gone."  
  
Retrieving a pair of chopsticks and sitting down at the table, Subaru frowned. "Gone? What do you mean, gone?"  
  
"I mean we don't have custody of him," Sorata said weakly.  
  
Subaru raised his eyebrows. "Have we ever?"  
  
"Well, no," Sorata said wretchedly. "That's the point. His, um… father… came to take him, which. Er. He can do."  
  
Subaru took a bite of his rice and chewed thoughtfully. "But Kamui doesn't have a father," he pointed out after thinking it through for some time.  
  
"That's the thing…" and this was the bit that Sorata was _really_ dreading. "He kind of does. Um. And his father is kind of the Sakurazukamori."  
  
Subaru twitched. "Don't be silly, there's only one Sakurazukamori, and that's Seishirou-san."  
  
"Yes, I know. He came to take Kamui-kun away this morning, actually."  
  
Oh. So that wasn't a dream.  
  
… Wait a second. That _wasn't_ a dream? That meant he'd shut the door in Seishirou's face!  
  
There was something both satisfying and utterly mortifying about that, somehow.  
  
"But Seishirou-san can't be Kamui's father," Subaru protested, bewildered. Before Sorata could think of a suitable reply, however, the Sumeragi stopped to think. He stopped, and he did the maths. Seishirou was thirty-four. Kamui was fifteen. It was perfectly possible for Seishirou to have had a child at the age of nineteen. Subaru whimpered. "You're joking, right? Please tell me this is a joke."  
  
"Hah, we wish," Sorata muttered. "How the hell are we supposed to fight a war over the survival of humanity with Kamui in the clutches of the Angels?"  
  
Awkward silence descended upon the kitchen, Subaru eating in absent-minded shock. He couldn't believe that Kamui was Seishirou's son. It was just so _bizarre_. Not to mention strangely ironic.  
  
"Hey, Subaru-san," Sorata said idly, "doesn't it strike you as sort of funny but weird that both father and son have a thing for you? Maybe it's hereditary."  
  
Sorata had never really got a proper grip on the concept of tact. Subaru froze, chopsticks halfway to his mouth and a truly disturbed expression crossing his face. It was just as well he hadn't been eating, because he would have choked otherwise.  
  
"I hate my life," Subaru sighed, and went to put his half-empty bowl of rice by the sink. Funnily enough, he didn't feel all that much like eating anymore.  
  
~  
  
Tapping his fingers on the edge of the steering wheel, Seishirou flicked the ashes from the end of his cigarette and slanted a look at a very petulant looking Kamui.  
  
"I think it's time we had a discussion about rules," he said abruptly.  
  
Kamui's jerked from his sulky glare out the window to stare at Seishirou in confusion. "Um, what?"  
  
"You heard me," Seishirou said cheerfully. "Rule number one: you do not cut school for any reason. I could really not care less if it's to save humanity; you go to class."  
  
"Hey!" Kamui exclaimed indignantly. "That's not fair to the other Seals!"  
  
"So?" Seishirou answered smoothly. "I'm your father, you do as you're told."  
  
"… Why?"  
  
"Because I said so. Rule two: no going out on school nights."  
  
Kamui spluttered, completely outraged. "How do you expect me to be the saviour of humanity if I can only do it on weekends?"  
  
"And after you've done your homework," Seishirou added helpfully. "That's your problem, not mine. I'm on the other side, if you've forgotten. Besides, do you really think the Seals won't be able to manage perfectly fine without you? You're only necessary to the Final Day."  
  
Kamui sank into his seat, crossing his arms and burying his head against his knees. The Sakurazukamori just _had_ to hit upon one of his insecurities, didn't he?  
  
"Rule two corollary A," Seishirou continued, clearly enjoying himself immensely. "You are not allowed to date until you turn sixteen, so tell your little blond friend to back off." He paused and frowned. "I'll deal with Fuuma myself, I think."  
  
Kamui's only response was a faint groan of disbelief.  
  
"And the golden rule, Rule 3: you do not touch your father's things. And this includes Subaru-kun."  
  
Kamui's head shot up in shock. " _What_? Subaru doesn't belong to you! Stuff off!"  
  
"I think you'll find he does. He has my markings on him, yes? Therefore he belongs to me. Hands off, kid. Whichever way, even without that rule-- no dating. Give up."  
  
"One day Subaru will kill you," Kamui muttered, "and I will dance on your grave."  
  
"How nice for you," Seishirou replied pleasantly. "By the way, your bed time is ten at night."  
  
Squawk of outrage, and Kamui narrowed his eyes, drawing himself up to his not particularly considerable height. "My turn, then! You do not smoke in front of me, since it's bad for my health!"  
  
Seishirou shrugged, and obnoxiously blew smoke in Kamui's face. "I'm the parent here, not you, so I make the rules," he said calmly. "When you have children, you can make whatever rules you like, but for now? You do what I tell you to, or you're grounded."  
  
"I hate you," Kamui said dully, and the rest of the drive passed in smug silence.  
  
~  
  
Right, Kamui decided. There was no way he had to take this crap. It was hardly like he was a normal teenager, and unlike Subaru, he wasn't branded by any magical tracking devices. What would the Sakurazukamori be able to do if Kamui just didn't return after school? Call the social services? Hah. Yeah, right.  
  
He couldn't go back to the Imonoyama mansion, unfortunately-- it was the first place Sakurazuka would look, and he didn't want to put the others in danger, especially not Subaru. It wasn't like he couldn't deal with a little hardship, though. Find a place to stay, lie low for a few days, maybe try to get in contact with the other Seals… yeah, it'd all work itself out eventually.  
  
"You know," someone said conversationally, "for a _Kamui_ , you're pretty appalling at covering your tracks."  
  
Kamui practically fell out of the tree he was sitting in, and Seishirou, leaning against the trunk, smirked.  
  
"Did you think I wouldn't be able to follow your trail?" Seishirou asked curiously. "I'm an assassin, kid. We do things like that."  
  
Aw, shit.  
  
"I could blow you up," Kamui pointed out, as threateningly as he possibly could.  
  
Seishirou laughed, and Kamui felt somewhat affronted. "I beg to differ. You can't even raise a Kekkai-- do you _really_ think you'd be able to defeat me in battle?"  
  
Unfortunately for Kamui, Seishirou had a good point.  
  
"Why are you doing this?" Kamui snapped back, stubbornly staying up on his branch. If Seishirou wanted to come and get him, he could, but Kamui was hardly going to make things easy for him.  
  
Seishirou shrugged. "I got a letter from your mother's lawyer about the last will of the deceased, etcetera."  
  
Confused pause. "… And?"  
  
"And I didn't have anything better to do. Are you going to get out of that tree, or do I have to blast you out?"  
  
Kamui climbed up one branch higher, still staring. Seishirou sighed impatiently.  
  
"What did you expect me to say? That it's an elaborate plan to disadvantage the Dragons of Heaven?"  
  
"At least that would make more sense," Kamui muttered.  
  
"Well, if you really want to know," Seishirou said cheerfully, "I have ulterior motives involving Subaru-kun. But quite frankly, I really couldn't care less about the Apocalypse. Now, what did I tell you about getting out of that tree? Children these days. Subaru-kun was so much more obedient than you when he was your age."  
  
It was just as well Kamui was a Dragon, because otherwise he might have broken quite a few bones when Seishirou exploded the branch right beneath his feet.  
  
"Oh, by the way-- new rule. You now have a four-thirty PM curfew for getting home from school."  
  
Damn. Looked like the plan had backfired spectacularly.  
  
~  
  
"If you don't get out of bed within the next five seconds, I'm going to pour cold water on you," Seishirou informed Kamui pleasantly.  
  
"Nnngh."  
  
Kamui was not a morning person; Seishirou was not a sympathetic person. He took great and unparalleled joy in the scream of shock Kamui let out when the ice-cold water was trickled down the back of his pyjamas, and even more when the teenager flailed and fell with a thump to the hard wooden floor.  
  
Kamui's first reaction upon opening his eyes was the best bit.  
  
"Aaaaaaaah! Sakurazukamori! Help!"  
  
"You're going to be late for school," Seishirou said calmly, and Kamui abruptly (and somewhat sheepishly) remembered where he was and why he was there.  
  
"So what?" he answered sullenly. "It's not like it even matters."  
  
Seishirou raised his eyebrow mockingly. "It's attitudes like that that lead to an uneducated society. If necessary, I will take you to school in your pyjamas. And believe me-- I _will_ enjoy it."  
  
Kamui was smart enough to know when he was fighting a losing battle-- he'd heard enough from Subaru to know that this was the kind of thing that Seishirou could and most definitely would do, if given half the chance.   
  
That didn't mean he had to give up without a fight, albeit a rather pathetic and immature one.  
  
"Why doesn't Fuuma have to go to school, then?"  
  
"Do you want him to kill your classmates?"  
  
"If I have to go to school, he should too," Kamui said stubbornly.  
  
Seishirou frowned slightly. "I suppose you have a point," he conceded reluctantly. "I might have to do something about that."  
  
Kamui blinked. He had _not_ expected that Seishirou would actually try to make Fuuma go back to school. In fact, he didn't really want evil Fuuma in his class.  
  
Another plan backfiring on him. This was starting to form a nasty pattern.  
  
"Note to self," Seishirou muttered, walking out of the room. "Make sure Subaru-kun goes to University while you're at it."  
  
Kamui pretended to himself that he didn't just hear that, because quite frankly he had no desire to exist in a universe where evil cold-blooded assassins forced their prey to go to school.  
  
~  
  
"Are you kidding?"  
  
"No, I don't think so," Seishirou said. "Are you going to get your bag, or did you want me to?"  
  
Fuuma stared. "I'm evil," he said eventually. "I kill people. In fact, I destroy whole civilisations. I don't _do_ school."  
  
"You do now," Seishirou replied brightly. "Well? Why are you still standing there? School starts in-- oh, about ten minutes."  
  
"But where is the point in making me go to school?" Fuuma said snappishly. "I'm trying to destroy the world! If I succeed, we'll all be dead and I'll have absolutely no use for an education, so going to school is about the least useful thing I could be doing right now."  
  
"And if you don't succeed, then you'll wish you kept going to school, won't you?"  
  
"Not really, because if I don't succeed I'll _still_ be dead," Fuuma retorted, narrowly resisting the urge to stomp his foot.  
  
Seishirou just smirked at him. "You never know. It pays to be prepared. Besides, it'll be good for you to get some fresh air and exercise instead of sitting on your throne all day. You probably need vitamin D."  
  
Fuuma was almost insulted by this. "Are you implying that I'm putting on weight?"  
  
"Not _yet_ ," Seishirou said dryly. "Are you going to get your things?"  
  
"You can't _make_ me go to school," Fuuma argued. "I'm the dark _Kamui_!"  
  
"I think you'll find I can, actually," Seishirou contradicted him. "Dark _Kamui_ or not, you're still a teenager. And I'm perfectly capable of sabotaging every single one of your plans for world destruction."   
  
Fuuma felt some grudging respect for the true extent of Seishirou's evilness, but he wasn't quite ready to give in yet. When it came right down to it, he and Kamui both shared that core of teenage desire to take others down with them.  
  
"What about Satsuki? I don't see you making _her_ go to school, and she's younger than me."  
  
"I'm sure being hooked up to the Internet is sufficiently educational for her," Seishirou said smoothly. "Infinitely more so than sitting around stroking Nataku's hair. Which reminds me-- you're not allowed to maim, molest or otherwise traumatise my son during school hours."  
  
"Okay, _what_? Are you _trying_ to take all the joy out of my life?"  
  
Seishirou tipped his glasses down to look at Fuuma innocently. "Isn't that what responsible adults are supposed to do?"  
  
Fuuma couldn't decide if the idea of one of his Angels attempting to act like a responsible adult made him feel afraid or want to burst out laughing.  
  
~  
  
"Seishirou-san, what have you done with Kamui?" Subaru asked warily.  
  
"I sent him to school, actually," Seishirou said. "Where you should be."  
  
There was a long silence. "Seishirou-san, I'm not sixteen anymore," Subaru said slowly. "I'm a twenty-five year old man. Twenty-five year olds do not go to school. Are you okay?"  
  
"Perfectly fine, thankyou. And what I actually meant was that you should be going to university."  
  
True, but Subaru had no intention of letting Seishirou know that. "Why would I be going to university, Seishirou-san? I have a job, and I'm probably going to die within the next year. It would be silly."  
  
"An education is never silly, Subaru-kun. Besides, having dropped out of school, it's the least you could do. Imonoyama-san would be very disappointed to hear you were wasting a second chance."  
  
Damn. Subaru had forgotten to factor in the fact that Seishirou stalked him and knew far too much.  
  
"Anyway, you're setting a bad example for Kamui."  
  
Kamui! He'd forgotten! "I want to see Kamui and make sure he's alright. Do you _promise_ you haven't done anything to him?"  
  
"If you go to university you'll see him on campus during his lunch break," Seishirou said smugly. "It's not much of a walk between the university and high school divisions, after all."  
  
"Why do you have to interfere in my life?" Subaru sighed. "Fine. If you've done anything to him-- and I mean _anything_ \-- I'm taking him back with me. And don't bother trying to take him back, because I'll just tell the social securities you abused me when I was underage."  
  
"Subaru-kun, I'm hurt," Seishirou said mock-tragically. "I haven't done anything except make him get out of bed and stick to curfew, I assure you. If you're really concerned, of course, you could always move in with us."  
  
Subaru thought it was a very bad sign that he was actually considering this.  
  
~  
  
"Seishirou-san hasn't done anything to you, has he?" Subaru asked that lunch break, because he trusted Seishirou about as much as he trusted the weather report.  
  
"Well, not technically," Kamui said reluctantly. "He just keeps making up rules. I have to go to bed at ten."  
  
Subaru had to concede this was pretty reasonable, really. He'd never enforce things like a bedtime for Kamui, but only because he didn't feel he had the right.  
  
The thought of Seishirou being a reasonable parent scared him deeply.  
  
"He's… being parental?" Subaru said hesitantly, the very concept foreign to him.  
  
"Yeah, he is," Kamui said thoughtfully. "More than my mum used to be. It's kind of creepy."  
  
"So you don't have any problems aside from being sent to bed early?" Subaru persisted, much in the manner of one poking at their own wound to make sure it still hurts.  
  
Kamui contemplated complaining about the fact that Fuuma was back in his class and kept leering at him when the teacher wasn't looking, but that was really his own fault.  
  
"He keeps smirking," he said instead, rather lamely. "It's unnerving."  
  
"He does that," Subaru said sourly, because no one knew better than he did.  
  
The bell rang, and Kamui pulled to his feet with a melodramatic sigh. "Back to Fuuma leering," he muttered, confusing Subaru severely, and offered a wan smile. "I'll see you tomorrow, Subaru. Tell the others I'm okay."  
  
Stop contemplating moving in with them, Subaru scolded himself. Kamui is perfectly fine. This is the worst idea you've ever had.  
  
Wait, it wasn't his idea.  
  
The worst time ever to listen to Seishirou, then, which said even more. Kamui hardly needs your moral support to deal with Seishirou _smirking_ at him. Then again, Seishirou's smirk is rather unnerving…  
  
Oh, hell.  
  
~  
  
"You decided to take my suggestion? I'm touched, Subaru-kun."  
  
"Shut up, Seishirou-san," Subaru muttered. "Stop gloating and help me carry my things, or I'll change my mind."  
  
"Ah, but aren't you doing this for Kamui-kun?"  
  
Subaru glared, not bothering to dignify that with a response (mostly because he didn't have one), and swept past Seishirou into the apartment. "Are you going to get my things or not?"  
  
"Anything for you, Subaru-kun," Seishirou said sweetly, and Subaru gritted his teeth in irritation.  
  
Kamui emerged from his room and stopped dead, expression shifting quickly from surprise to elation to dismay.  
  
"Subaru! Why are you here? Save yourself!"  
  
"It's a bit late for that now," Subaru said wryly, and ruffled Kamui's hair. "It could be worse. Possibly."  
  
Seishirou came back into the apartment carrying his bags, and walked straight past Subaru and Kamui into one of the other rooms.  
  
"Seishirou-san, where are you going?" Subaru asked, a horrible sinking feeling of suspicion in the pit of his stomach.  
  
"Putting your bags away in your room, of course."  
  
Next to Subaru, Kamui was having a minor apoplectic fit. "Subaru! That's his room! You can't let him put your bags there! STOP HIM."  
  
Alarmed, Subaru hastily followed after Seishirou to find that the room did in fact contain a double bed and an altogether too satisfied-looking Sakurazukamori.  
  
"Seishirou-san, what do you think you are _doing_? I said I'd move in with you and Kamui! I didn't say I'd move into your bedroom!"  
  
"You don't want Kamui-kun growing up in a broken family, do you?" Seishirou said sadly. "That wouldn't be good for him."  
  
Subaru was too lost to even bother pointing out that Kamui had spent his entire life growing up in a broken family, given he had never even met his father until he was fifteen. "What do you mean, broken family? We're not a family."  
  
"Yes we are," Seishirou corrected him pleasantly. "And parents should share a bed. Say hello to your new mother, Kamui-kun."  
  
"Oh god," Kamui said faintly. "Someone kill me. _Please_."  
  
"Mother?" Subaru yelped. "Seishirou-san, first of all we are not married, and _second_ of all, I am not a woman!"  
  
Seishirou shrugged. "So? Kamui-kun needs a mother. Go unpack your things, dear."  
  
This, Subaru decided, was the stupidest thing he'd ever done. And Seishirou had completely lost the plot.  
  
~  
  
"Where do you two think you are going?"  
  
Subaru and Kamui froze guiltily in their tracks to see Seishirou standing behind them with his arms crossed.  
  
"Um," Kamui said, and looked to Subaru for help.  
  
Subaru refused to feel intimidated by his hus- lov- mortal enemy. "What do you think? We're going to prevent your insane and misanthropic team-mates from killing people."  
  
"No you're not," Seishirou answered calmly.  
  
"Excuse me?" Subaru narrowed his eyes. "Seishirou-san, there is two of us and one of you. Stay out of our Seal business."  
  
"It's Sunday," Kamui added. "And I've finished my homework, so I'm not even breaking your stupid rules. You're just trying to help the other Angels by delaying us!"  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you I couldn't care less about the Apocalypse?" Seishirou said, pulling his sunglasses off so he could give them a properly injured look. "Sunday lunch is _family_ time. Family comes first."  
  
"You are _kidding_ me," Subaru choked out.  
  
"Nope!" Seishirou moved to give them both a little shove away from the door. "So nobody is going out unless it's for a picnic. Which I suppose we could…"  
  
"We are not going to Ueno Park," Subaru said firmly. "Not now, not ever. Have your stupid family lunch if you must, but we're having it here or not at all."  
  
"If you insist," Seishirou said graciously. "How about traditional lunch?"  
  
"Hello? Subaru? Apocalypse? Are you just going to let them destroy another Kekkai?" Kamui interrupted.  
  
Subaru shot a troubled look at Seishirou. He hated to admit it, but he cared about the end of the world about as much as Seishirou did, which was not at all.  
  
Seishirou rolled his eyes. "Well, if you're that insistent about it…"  
  
Subaru felt a strange stab of disappointment that Seishirou could be persuaded to give in on their 'family time' so easily, but he crushed it ruthlessly. He hadn't wanted it in the first place. Well, not much.  
  
"… then I suppose I'll have to call Fuuma and tell him to find a better time. Maybe he could join us for lunch."  
  
Seishirou completely ignored the stunned and worried expressions of his so-called 'family', and went off to find the phone.  
  
~  
  
"Sakurazuka, I really hate to tell you this, but I think you've completely snapped," Fuuma said flatly.  
  
"Possibly," Seishirou agreed. "But did you want to come to lunch?"  
  
Fuuma considered this. He had been in the middle of trying to destroy the Sunshine 80 Kekkai, but that was hardly any fun if Kamui wasn't going to show. "Yeah, alright."  
  
"Good, I'll see you there," Seishirou said, and hung up the phone.  
  
Fuuma glanced at Nataku. "Be a good girl and go home, Kazuki."  
  
~  
  
" _What_ did you say?"  
  
"I'm resigning."  
  
"But you can't resign!" Fuuma argued. "It's the Apocalypse!"  
  
"I can, and I am," Seishirou said serenely. "Mother always told me family came first. Since I can't keep my family commitments as well as be a Dragon of Earth, I'm resigning. Besides, I don't really want the world to end right now. Do you have a problem with that?"  
  
"Yes, I have a frigging problem with that!" Fuuma exclaimed. "You're the strongest Angel, after me! You can't just… argh!" He turned to Kamui and Subaru, who were pretending to eat lunch but were really trying to figure out what the hell was going on and exactly when the universe had been turned upside down. "Can't _you_ do something about this?"  
  
Kamui put his tea down and raised a hand slightly. "Um, question-- why would we want to help the Dragons of Earth?"  
  
He had a good point.  
  
"Of course, Subaru-kun and Kamui-kun will be resigning too," Seishirou continued matter-of-factly.  
  
" _WHAT_?"  
  
It was rather funny to hear all three screech in unison, Seishirou thought.  
  
"I don't want the world to be destroyed!" Kamui objected.  
  
"He's the Kamui!" Fuuma wailed. "He can't not be the Kamui! Not being the Kamui is not an option! There's only _one_ Kamui! How am I supposed to be the Dark Kamui with no _other_ Kamui?"  
  
Seishirou shrugged. "Why do you people always assume I care about these things? If it's that hard, don't bother. You're his Gemini, aren't you? If he's not a Dragon of Heaven, I hardly see why you have to be a Dragon of Earth."  
  
Fuuma cast a speculative look at Kamui, who edged away nervously. "Hm. True."  
  
"I am surrounded by lunatics," Subaru observed idly, and took a sip from his tea.  
  
~  
  
And so the Apocalypse was averted in what was possibly the most anti-climatic way possible, and our dysfunctional family continued to exist-- mostly through Seishirou's determination, insanity and bossiness. Subaru finally agreed, if somewhat reluctantly, to be 'married' to Seishirou, although he refused to submit to the indignity of being called anyone's mother. This was perfectly fine, as Kamui was far too disturbed by the idea to ever want to call Subaru that or anything like it. He didn't even call Seishirou father, which disappointed Seishirou but caused Subaru endless relief.  
  
Fuuma, on the other hand, was rather bored without people to terrorise. He'd managed to settle into something of a middle ground between his old and new personalities-- he'd stopped getting the urge to kill and torture, but remained rather more sarcastic than his old self had been. It remained to be seen whether or not he'd return to being Kamui's over-protective best friend; at the moment he was channelling most of his energy into attempting to trip Kamui into bed. Sadly for him, it seemed that Seishirou took Rule 2 Corollary A very seriously, and as such took great joy in thwarting all of Fuuma's efforts.  
  
Kamui was secretly very disappointed by said thwarting, although he'd rather die than admit it.  
  
The other dragons all got on with their lives, to some extent. Yuuto was looking after a very demanding Satsuki out of his own slightly questionable free will, and a concerning amount of his pay packet was put towards the purchase of electrical goods. Sorata had finally convinced Arashi to go out on a date with him; he was having slightly less luck persuading her to go out with him on a more permanent basis, but there was a fairly good chance she'd give in within the near future. Karen had been a bit lost after Aoki had returned to his family and Fuuma had been at a loss for what to do with Nataku, so now the ex-Seal was taking care of the bioroid in an arrangement that suited everybody.  
  
Seishirou, after many months of wheedling, cajoling, pleading, gift giving, drink spiking and attempted seduction, finally managed to get his supposed wife into bed. It's possible that this was because Subaru just got fed up with turning down Seishirou's insistent advances, but as it became a regular occurrence after that, Subaru presumably enjoyed the experience.  
  
Fuuma and Kamui enjoyed it just as much, mostly because Fuuma took the opportunity of Seishirou's distraction to break his least favourite rule with Kamui in the most definite way possible. It was probably just as well, as Kamui might otherwise have walked in on his 'parents' and been scarred for life.  
  
Seishirou continued to thwart, despite the fact he clearly realised it was attempting to shut the barn door after the horse had bolted. He even continued to thwart after Kamui turned sixteen; this was ostensibly because he didn't think Fuuma was good enough for his son, but Fuuma suspected he just liked causing other people pain, although Seishirou's preventative measures became a lot less effective after Kamui stopped playing hard to get. Not even the most vigilant of fathers was a match for teenage hormones.  
  
Subaru, by contrast, continued to make life difficult for Seishirou, which was his own perverse source of amusement. Fuuma also found it funny that his sex life was much easier than Seishirou's; Seishirou claimed that the unpredictability made things more interesting, but no one could tell if he was being serious. Subaru personally thought he was; perhaps that was why he continued to be so contrary.  
  
Nevertheless, they all lived relatively happily (if dysfunctionally) ever after.


End file.
